There are many great reasons to tune into Eurovision – the spectacle, the message of peace between nations, the generations of breakthroughs for LGBT+ representation, the drinking games. Last year, the contest proved it still has the power to strike a blow for liberty against aggression. Ukraine lifted the trophy following massive, continent-wide support for the nation’s entry, Kalush Orchestra, in what was widely seen as a smack in the face for the Russian leader, Vladimir Putin. It is a tribute to the genius of the show that it can do all this and still be deeply weird and often hilarious.
If you aren’t lucky enough to be heading off to Liverpool to see this year’s contest in its real-life glory – do not despair! This series of what-the-hell bombshells will get any Eurovision party off to a great start.
A monster hit from Finland, 2006
After years of Eurovision disappointment, in 2006 Finland looked at the song contest and thought, ‘You know what this needs? More metallers in monster outfits.’ And lo, with Lordi’s Hard Rock Hallelujah they were proven right. Possibly the competition’s most surprising winner, the song nonetheless brings some classic Eurovision elements to the cauldron. Though delivered gruffly into a microphone that doubles as an axe, the song is instantly hummable, with satisfyingly cheesy lyrics (“It’s the arockalypse, now bare your soul”) and a monster chorus. As Terry Wogan astutely observed, “Every year I expect it to be less foolish, and every year it is more so.”
Verdict: Satisfying for Eurovision’s rocker fans, but we can get weirder.
Weirdness rating: Two out of five
I’ve got Eurovision in my pocket: Telex at Eurovision 1980
A trip back to simpler times. 1980 – when the sprinkling of handfuls of glitter out of your pocket was the showstopping moment for Belgian surrealists Telex’s sorely underrated entry, Euro-Vision. Everything about this performance is sheer perfection, from the dissonance between the upbeat keyboards and the curiously disenchanted vocals, to the synchronised swaying dance, to the moment singer Marc Moulin makes his hands into goggles and looks through them straight to camera. As an Irish woman, I am constitutionally incapable of besmirching the good name of eventual victor Johnny Logan, the only man to win Eurovision twice – watch this space to see if Sweden’s Loreen can join him in 2023 – but Telex were profoundly ill-served by the national juries, coming 17th out of 19 countries. They’d aimed to come last.