My leadership style will get me kicked out of office very quickly. I’m not a particularly diplomatic person. I would be quite a big mouth and get in trouble. Do you remember Gordon Brown and the hot mic situation, where he went on a sort of apology tour after calling that woman a bigot? I would have doubled down. Because she was. But I think politics needs more big-hearted big mouths. We have big mouths who want to ‘turn back boats’ and ‘take back our country’. We don’t have the equivalent opposing political view with the same energy – there’s a lot of baked-in apology. But we’re in a different time now.
Who do you admire in politics?
We need our own Bernie Sanders.
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Who would you call on the red telephone that could connect you with anyone and what would you want to tell them?
Marianne Williamson ran for the Democratic presidential nomination at the last two US elections. And she’s very big hearted. Everyone was like, ‘You’re crazy. This is politics. There’s no room for love.’ But this is exactly where love should be. So I’d have a hotline to her. In the midst of any big crisis or major event, I’d call Marianne because she would tell me what love would do.
Who would you award a knighthood or damehood to?
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If this is like an OBE, I think we should scrap all that. But if it’s to honour people who’ve done good work, I would give one to Martin Lewis, if he hasn’t already got one. He’s doing God’s work. He’s saved households from bankruptcy and saved people money, and because he’s nonpartisan and respected and has so much integrity, he’s a trusted voice. It’s so rare these days to have somebody with that amount of power who can still do the right thing. Financial literacy needs to be taught in schools – because they certainly didn’t in my day and it’s a huge failing.
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What would your PMQs persona be like?
I am going to use my stand-up comedy background.
What’s your big idea to save the world?
That you need a permit to have a billion dollars. And it’s probably going to cost around $2 billion. So you’re going to be better off giving the money away and being super altruistic.
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How would you reach across the political divide?
I think there should be community days that are a bit like jury duty – where you have to do them. What I have found is when people think about a politically opposing group, they’re antagonistic. But when they meet individuals, they get on. So if we had to spend time with each other on a smaller group level, people would realise we are all the same, we all want the same things – even if we go about things differently.
How would you encourage people to vote?
We’ve saved so much money by bridging the political divide and from billionaires giving their money away, I’d probably give people a financial incentive like a reduction in council tax to get out and vote.
What are your qualifications for the job? And what’s your slogan?
I’ve got a strong sense of justice. That sometimes gets me into sticky situations. But I am hoping there is wisdom there too – and that’s why Marianne’s on the end of the hotline, so I can call her. In terms of a slogan, it would be ‘Make Kindness Great Again!’
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Andi Osho stars in Blue Lights which is on Tuesday nights on BBC One and available as a box set on iPlayer.
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