We never go near football, politics or religion, nor will we, it’s too divisive
The first show is the day after the referendum – do you need two versions?
FK: We toyed with that idea but can you imagine learning two whole shows? We never go near football, politics or religion, nor will we, it’s too divisive. We want to include everybody. But if we do another series with Jack and Victor living in an independent Scotland, we will write it in, won’t we?
GH: It is a strange time. Something is burgeoning in Scotland. Glasgow just looks different – there is a lot of optimism in the air.
Is it new work or a greatest hits set like Monty Python?
FK: If you go to see a pop group, you want them to play the hits. I saw Monty Python and that is what the audience wanted, which is fine for a sketch show. But it wouldn’t work for a sitcom – we are writing a big new narrative for the whole show.
GH: These characters are built to be laughed at by a live audience. There is precedent, isn’t there, in Mrs Brown’s Boys? This is bigger than the TV show; it is bursting out of the TV.
How was the reunion after all that time estranged?
FK: It was like trying to start a car after being parked in the garage for a long time. You might think the battery would be flat but we turned the ignition, it started immediately and we went off down the highway.
GH: We were just looking forward to getting back in each other’s company. And after having a laugh, the hunger to write new material for these characters we love so much came flooding back as soon as we started talking in the voices. Jack and Victor have an opinion about everything.
FK: In the years we didn’t talk I always used to think about what Jack or Victor would say.
Is your friendship fully recovered?
FK: It’s the same as it ever was. We didn’t talk much for seven years but we are back on form.
GH: We probably did too much together last time round. We were under enormous pressure, and to relieve that we would go to the pub. So we were in each other’s company day and night. And that takes a toll…
How much had you written when you sold out these 21 shows?
FK: [laughs] Not one jot!
GH: We feel a massive responsibility. We have put more into this stage show than anything we’ve ever done – writing, rewriting, listening, fine-tuning. It would be awful for Ford and myself to do a disservice to these characters because they have never done a disservice to us.
FK: I’ve seen Beyoncé, Michael Bublé and Miranda Hart at the Hydro. It is an awesome venue. At Miranda, I got a beer and went upstairs on a recce to hear how the laughter rolls backwards and forwards. The sound is incredible.
So what can audiences expect?
FK: You’ve already had more than we’ve given anyone else. We have been offered enormous amounts of money to do adverts as Jack and Victor. We turned everything down because the audience is coming in their droves to see us this summer. We are not taking the wrappers off until they’re sitting in their seats.
GH: Surprise is the vital element in comedy. We know the audience will enjoy it more the less they know – as soon as the lights go dark, it’s about that anticipation.
FK: And when David Tennant comes out of the TARDIS, they’ll go nuts.
Surprise is the vital element in comedy. We know the audience will enjoy it more the less they know
Take me into your writing room – who types, who makes tea, when do you break for lunch?
GH: These days I type and we read it on Ford’s big telly.
FK: We have a dedicated office in my house. It says “F & G” on the door. We used to knock off at 4pm every day to play Countdown.
GH: They are cancelling it now.
FK: He is useless, that old bastard from The Apprentice. He is not my cup of tea.
You should go on Late Night Countdown – they have comedians on in pairs…
FK: We are not well known enough in England. If there was a Scottish one, Countdoon…
GH: C**tdoon!
FK: [sings Countdown theme tune. Mimes gunshot] ‘There’s a c**t doon!’
Going back to your writing process?
GH: The two of us write every line together. There has never been an instance where one of us writes something and then hands it to the other guy. That would be weird. We can sit for days and write nothing but then go for a pint and write half an episode. It can happen very quickly but you need to be together, working at the same time, laughing.
FK: Back in the day we were so busy we would get sandwiches delivered. We were ordering more and more. They came on a massive tray, do you remember? We would eat them all…
GH: And then fall asleep!
FK: Greg put the kibosh on it. He found a spider in his sandwich. Then we went through a period of eating two Scotch pies every single day – but he stopped that as well because he opened one and it looked like a brain.
GH: Ford used to get big bags of frozen prawns and put them into a curry-flavour Pot Noodle. We called them Pot Noodle Bad Boys.
FK: Some days we don’t even eat. We just follow each other about like two wee dogs talking in Jack and Victor’s voices.
Thanks for the culinary history of Still Game… So is this your rock star moment – are you the Scottish Kate Bush(es)?
FK: It is the thrill of a lifetime. This is the closest we will get to feeling like rock stars. We are getting to play to a stadium full of people – that is Beatles shite…
GH: Yeah, dressed in fucking Oxfam cardigans!
This is the closest we will get to feeling like rock stars
How are the discussions with the BBC about a new series going?
FK: Something is definitely happening, we just don’t know whether it is going to be a new series or a Christmas special. Or Still Game D’Movie…
GH: We have written a 90-minute stage show – we could write a film, no question.
FK: Let’s get these shows out of the road. That’s hard enough without deciding whether to do a world tour, write a movie or bring out a chocolate biscuit!
Some Scottish sitcoms have not been shown on BBC One in England. Is Scottish comedy still seen as niche?
FK: We had to fight hard to get Chewin’ the Fat and Still Game shown across the network. I’m sure some people down there see it as niche. Scotland could be much better represented on the BBC. Definitely.
Are you famous in London?
FK: We would need to punch a policeman to get recognised in London.
GH: Then they would mistake you for Pete Doherty. Again.
Are you back for good?
GH: My hopes and dreams for Still Game have changed completely, even from a year ago. I’d like to be performing these characters when I am their age. We were talking about Clive Dunn and how it is rare for actors to grow into a part. Normally the character gets older – Indiana Jones looks older in the fourth movie. By pacing it, we can make it last. But ultimately the audience decides, we are just sticks in the river…
