Cost of living crisis is causing adoption rates to decline – but every child deserves a loving home
The cost of living crisis has led to an unprecedented decline in adoption rates. But there’s never a perfect time to become a parent, and support is there for those who make the leap
Miles and his partner: “adopting is the best thing both me and my husband have ever done”. Image: You Can Adopt
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Miles Asteri watched his eldest daughter with hawk eyes when he brought her home for the first time, excited and worried about his new responsibility for this little person. His girls, who are almost five and two, are adopted – but he had a fierce parental protectiveness from the start.
“It was the best decision of my life,” the 37-year-old says. “People say adoption is a nice thing to do, and it is, but I did it for me too. I feel like they were always meant to be mine. ‘Family’ is such a broad word these days, and adopting is the best thing both me and my husband have ever done.”
For the first time in years, there are more children in England in need of adoption than adults registered to adopt. It takes more than 18 months for nearly half of children (46%) to find their forever home, as the cost of living crisis has led to an unprecedented decline in adoption rates.
Sarah Johal, national adoption strategic lead for Adoption England, says: “Every child deserves a loving, permanent home, so it’s concerning that the number of children in need of adoption is now greater than those registered to adopt. In many parts of the country this is having a very real and unprecedented impact.”
It is no longer just certain groups of children affected. Half (49%) of those in need of adoption are under five, with no siblings in tow and no disability. For nine in 10 prospective adopters, the cost of living crisis is having an impact.
Miles can empathise. A veterinary nurse now known for starring on the second season of The Traitors, he says: “I was really worried I didn’t have the house or income before starting this journey. I had to be reassured that I had more to give than I realised.”
Miles’s mother had been adopted, and he was adopted by his stepfather, so adoption seemed a natural decision for him and his husband. But he feared that as a Black and gay man, with a difficult family history, he would face stigma in the adoption process – when actually, he was reassured this meant he had a lot to give a child.
“You have to rehash a lot of your family history,” he says. “I had a bit of a colourful childhood and I worried that would go against me, but speaking to these professionals, they told me I’d be skilled and equipped for these children’s backgrounds because I’ve faced similar things in my own childhood.”
Miles says his biological father “wasn’t the nicest of people” and he and his mother had to leave the situation. “I worried that would be a reflection on me as a parent,” he says, “but that’s not the case. It gives you an insight. I can empathise with that situation.”
It takes around six months to be approved for adoption, but the next stage can take many more months. Miles was told that the whole process usually takes around two years, although for him it was less than 18 months.
“I think it’s a good time to digest the process you’re going through,” he says. “I used to see that two-year period as a negative because I’m so impatient, but you have to prepare yourself for what you are going into.”
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Alex (left) and Luke with their children
Luke and Alex, who adopted two daughters, had a quicker process. It took just nine months both times. They briefly considered surrogacy, but Alex says: “There’s so many kids in the world in need of a loving home, why bring another one into it?”
They went to four adoption agencies before settling on one. “People don’t realise you don’t have to go with your local authority,” Luke says. “We were advised to shop around. If you don’t resonate with the social workers you’re working with, they’re going to explore your life inside out. You really have to trust them and get along with them.”
They were told they’d be presented with different children and to choose carefully, a surreal concept which could feel like choosing a child from a catalogue. They worried about how they could possibly make that decision. But when they got to their panel and were told about two cases, they immediately knew who would be their daughter.
“Although on paper, one of them sounded better, both of us straight away said: ‘No, we want the other one.’ It’s bizarre but we just knew,” Alex says. Even though it took nine months, the same time as a pregnancy, when they had chosen their child, they just had to do some paperwork and interviews and: “Boom, here’s a child.”
In many ways, few feel ready for parenthood. Six in 10 parents say they never felt truly prepared, and more than seven in 10 said there is no such thing as a ‘perfect time’ to start a family.
Adoption England is calling for more people to consider adoption. “We’re encouraging anyone considering adoption to take the first step in their journey,” Johal says. “Don’t wait for the ‘perfect’ time. Like all parenting, adoption is not always easy, but there is lots of support available – including financial and therapeutic assistance.”
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Luke and Alex receive an adoption allowance for their eldest daughter because she has additional needs. She experienced more in the first 13 months of her life than many adults have experienced in their entire lives, the parents say, and that has impacted her health – but with support, she can thrive.
“People often say adoption is rewarding,” Luke adds. “For us, it’s not necessarily about being rewarding. Children can drain the life out of you. But when you get that moment when you love a child, that is everything. When you feel that love, it’s a whole different game.”
Miles feels this too. He worried his daughter wouldn’t feel instinctive love towards her dads, but in moments where she was upset and needed comforting, he realised she needed them in a way that any child needs their parents.
His girls are half-sisters and it felt right to keep the siblings together. They wanted two children and, although it was still a big decision, the timing worked out perfectly for them.
“Being adopted is not a reflection of the person themselves,” Miles says. “These children are chosen. We chose to have our children and that is a really powerful thing. We went out of our way to make them part of our family, and we want to break the stigma of adoption.”
It was shortly after adopting their second child that Miles joined the cast of The Traitors (in which he was selected as a traitor), and he spoke openly about his family’s story and wanting to win for them. Unfortunately, he was an unsuccessful traitor.
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“I wanted to show people that yes I am gay, and yes I have children,” he says. “It was for people in the LGBT+ community to realise that you can have children. Many, many years ago when I came out as gay, people said, ‘Oh, what a shame, you won’t have children.’ There might also have been other couples who have been through the adoption process who will see it and can relate.
“Throughout the whole show, I had my children in the back of my mind. Even though I was a traitor, I want them to look back and go, ‘He was actually a nice guy.’ I didn’t want to play a villain. I wanted to be myself. The cameras are about and you are aware of that, but I wanted to show I’m a normal person, with a normal job, living a normal life.”
And it is something that he wants to instil in his girls too. “When you are young, you just want to be normal and you want to fit in, but we want to teach them that there are some things that have stigma but actually they are normal and can be good things,” Miles says.
“In our family, there’s two dads, a Black dad. They can be whoever they want to be and who they are. That is massively encouraged in our household. Going through the process, you meet different people from different walks of life and we’ve a community among ourselves of people going against the norms which is nice. We just want to encourage our girls to be their personal, authentic selves.”
