Alan Titchmarsh makes the Calm app look like a house party thrown by Super Hans

Boomers get a bad rap, blamed for everything from the destruction of the planet to economic instability. But despite that, I’m quite jealous of them. They lived through the swinging Sixties, they don’t have to work any more, and they couldn’t give two hoots about Hailey Bieber’s smoothies or the best restaurants in Berlin. I am deeply inspired by my neighbour Mary, who sits in the sun on her doorstep, drinking wine at 4pm and cheerily yelling, “This is what you can do when you’re retired!” as I sadly trudge through my endless to-do list. 

If you want further evidence that Boomers are enjoying life infinitely more than other generations, just tune in to the Sunday morning chillout zone that is Love Your Weekend with Alan Titchmarsh. As the kids say, it’s a vibe. Alan Titchmarsh in a rustic shed full of carefully placed tennis rackets and vintage car ornaments, infused with a warm filter that makes everyone look like they’re on the Hovis advert.

Get the latest news and insight into how the Big Issue magazine is made by signing up for the Inside Big Issue newsletter

Even if you’re not over 70, this show is ideal for hangovers or times of psychological overwhelm. It seems to take its inspiration from the potter’s wheel interludes of 1950s TV, and makes the Calm app look like a house party thrown by Super Hans. Nothing bad could happen here, not with Alan Titchmarsh at the helm. I used to hate him with the heat of a thousand suns, but perhaps I’ve mellowed with age, or maybe he has, because he’s now cosier than a cushion with some otters on it. Speaking of which – let’s watch a nice segment about otters! Literally just footage of otters.

At one point I thought I was having an out-of-body experience as Alan interviewed a man who carved walking sticks with the head of owls and labradors. The man was wearing a flat cap and speaking very slowly about a duck’s head he was particularly proud of. Time became elastic and I drifted off. Ooh, what’s that Alan? Wine tasting and an interview with Petula Clark? Now we’re talking!

But not before we celebrate the splendour and beauty of the Northern Irish coastline. I thought maybe this was a bit about the effects of erosion, but no, just soothing library pictures of the Northern Ireland coastline. Like one of those clicky viewfinders.

• Lucy Sweet: ‘There is great comfort to be had in watching other people cook’
• Inside The Factory: Finding solace in repetition

Of course, Alan Titchmarsh’s gentle Sunday morning show is all propaganda. Old age is no more cosy than a bracing walk on the Northern Irish coastline. It’s worrying medical appointments and shocks to the system, getting lumbered with the grandchildren, crappy pensions and being patronised and ignored. No wonder otters and labrador walking sticks are on the agenda, if only to distract you from the haunting spectre of death.

And let us not forget that older people are not gentle, cute cartoon grannies. When Petula turns up, she starts telling jaw-dropping stories about how she once went out with her BFF Karen Carpenter in Las Vegas and ended up in Elvis’s dressing room. 

“Elvis came out looking drop-dead gorgeous,” she says, breezily, as if she’s recounting a story about her Waitrose order. “He started flirting with us, so I stood up and said to Karen, ‘We have to be going, we’ve got that thing in the morning.’ She was young and naive and wanted to stay, but I’d guessed where this was going. Anyway, as we was leaving, he leaned against the door, winked and said: ‘I’ll get you one day.’”

At this point I’m goggle-eyed, all of Alan’s tennis rackets have fallen off the wall and I’ve completely forgotten how to carve a walking stick into the shape of an owl. Then she starts casually mentioning how she accidentally ended up singing on Give Peace A Chance with her mate John Lennon. 

At the end, Alan Titchmarsh, positively glowing with cosiness, says, “Petula, can we tempt you with some Chardonnay?”

Hell, yeah, I’ll have a large one, please. Also, can I stay for dinner?

Love Your Weekend with Alan Titchmarsh is on Sundays at 9.30am on ITV.

Do you have a story to tell or opinions to share about this? Get in touch and tell us more. Big Issue exists to give homeless and marginalised people the opportunity to earn an income. To support our work buy a copy of the magazine or get the app from the App Store or Google Play.