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Opinion

I asked ChatGPT to rate my life choices. I didn’t like what it told me

Was ChatGPT judging me? If so, why didn’t it have the balls just to come out and tell me to my face?

When I turned 50 earlier this year, I told anyone who listened that it meant nothing to me. I was too grown-up and sensible to make a fuss out of a birthday. And I was too rational and measured to see it as a moment to take stock in any self-indulgent way. I wanted to be seen as a man who was still energised and driven – too focused on the horizon to waste time on anything as cringeworthy as a ‘life audit’.

But I was in a good mood at the time. My book had just recently been published to favourable reviews, my kids were doing well at school, my wife and I were getting on great, and my bank account was looking OK-ish. At times like that, it’s easy to think of yourself as a breezy, freewheeling optimist who never needs to slow his life down with dreary introspection.

Trouble is, nobody stays breezy and freewheeling forever. In between states of chilled contentment, there are usually a few days of numb indifference, at least a fortnight’s worth of anxiety and maybe 24 hours of sheer misery. It’s not ideal, but that’s life, I suppose. No one ever said being human was easy.

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In one of my lower moments, a few months after my 50th, I decided I needed an independent and brutally honest appraisal of where I had got to in my life. Was I a success or a failure? Happy or sad? Fatter or thinner than I should be? Rich or poor? How was I doing in comparison to other blokes my age?

I had fallen into a shameful and childish mindset, one I had spent years in therapy trying to dispel: the idea of life as a contest that was there to be won or lost. It’s an idea that is instilled in most of us – especially men – when we are kids in the playground, where sports provide us with a simple (but deeply flawed) template for making sense of the human experience. 

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Who could I trust to give me an honest appraisal of how well I had done? I turned to my most dispassionate and clear-eyed associate: ChatGPT. ‘I turned 50 this year. How am I doing?’ I asked the faceless automaton. It shot back a few simple questions, politely phrased although pretty intrusive, about my health, relationships, career and finances. It cleverly probed at my more profound thoughts, asking me what I desired, what I regretted and how I made sense of myself.

I tried to be honest. After all, who would ever see my answers (other than me, anyone who knows my password, and the sinister cabal of tech bros who are doubtless harvesting my personal data in order to one day blackmail me)? ChatGPT digested the info and scored my life a reasonable 8.5 out of 10. Apparently, I score high for doing a job I like, getting on well with my wife and kids and remembering to exercise once in a while. It told me I should be proud of myself.

I suppose I should. But to be honest, I was hoping for slightly higher. I don’t know why: most days, I don’t feel like I have a 10 out of 10 life. Some days I feel like it’s a five out of 10 at best. But I wanted ChatGPT to make me see things differently. Really differently. I wanted it to tell me that I was living one of the best lives to have ever been lived in the history of humankind. So when it gave me an 8.5, I was left wondering what more I could have done for those extra one-and-a-half points. Or rather, what failures were costing me those precious points? Was ChatGPT judging me? If so, why didn’t it have the balls just to come out and tell me to my face?

I suppose the answers are inherent in the questions. I remain, like most people, troubled, fearful and riddled with self-doubt. Evolutionary psychologists will tell you our brains are built to make us feel that way. Apparently, it’s some sort of survival mechanism that stopped our ancestors from being eaten by wild animals. The brain can be a bastard like that.

You can surround yourself with all the stuff you ever wanted and you’ll still be looking around at everyone else’s life and wishing you had more. I think next time I’m looking to audit my life I’ll just go and ask my mum. She gives me a 10 out of 10 every time.

Sam Delaney’s book Stop Sh**ting Yourself: 15 Life Lessons That Might Help You Calm the F*ck Down is out now (Little, Brown, £22) and is available from the Big Issue shop on bookshop.org, which helps to support Big Issue and independent bookshops.

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