Michael Spicer: ‘I’d make billionaires pay so we don’t have to cut welfare and disability benefits’

Comedian Michael Spicer is best known for the satirical comedy series The Room Next Door but what would happen if her was prime minister for the afternoon?

That’s the question Big Issue has posed him in the latest in our PM for the PM series. From taking on INEOS and Manchester United chief Jim Ratcliffe to scrapping AI, he’d certainly pack a lot in.

Big Issue: If you suddenly found yourself in high office, what’s the first thing in politics you’d want to fix?

Michael Spicer: The first thing I would fix is the political system. The current system operates on injustice and discrimination. Unless you revolutionise politics nothing can be achieved. For instance, I would like to close all tax loopholes and make billionaires pay their share so that we don’t have to cut welfare and disability benefits. I would like to slap Jim Ratcliffe with the £4 billion tax bill he avoided – preferably across his miserable face with wheatpaste glue and a large brush – but that’s just not a realistic objective because the system has always been corrupted to support the rich and powerful.

Read more:

• Adeel Akhtar: ‘If I were prime minister I’d find all the shouting a bit stressful’
• ‘If I was prime minister, I’d want people to spend a week experiencing the world as a deaf person’
• Sir Jim Ratcliffe says immigrants are ‘colonising’ the UK. Here’s the truth

What was the big issue in politics you remember from your childhood?

The earliest political memory I have – apart from seeing politicians being lampooned every Sunday night on Spitting Image – was the furore over the poll tax. I can remember watching the riots on television, I’d never seen anything like it. The irony of Spitting Image in the 1980s was that it accentuated Margaret Thatcher’s image as this intimidating figure of cast-iron assuredness, and consequently that’s how I always saw her. The backlash against the poll tax loosened her grip on power, and for the first time I saw a prime minister whose authority was on the decline. The vultures were circling, and – even for a 12-year-old – it made for great television.

What would your leadership style be? 

I’ve never been a good leader. I’ve never put myself forward to be in charge of any kind of team whether it be during PE lessons or team-building away days. But if I had to be leader, my style would probably be dry. I’d like to take British politics back to 18th-century France, back to the court of Versailles, where your social standing was practically dependent on your talent for wit and caustic jibes. Of course that would mean returning to a period of history where there was more injustice than there is now, so maybe not.

Kemi Badenoch has just called you a failing leader at the dispatch box. What zinger do you fire back? 

If Kemi Badenoch accused me of being a failed leader then I must wholeheartedly agree without question, because if anyone should be consulted for their expertise on what the requirements are to be a failed leader, one must look no further than Kemi Badenoch. Except maybe the four prime ministers that went before her. 

What’s your big idea to save the world? 

Scrap all billionaires’ plans for space travel and channel that money into climate change initiatives. Then scrap all billionaires. All websites and apps should install an ‘opt out of using AI’ feature. And it should be a clearly defined feature too, like a big red on/off switch at the top of the screen. Then scrap AI. Make it illegal to own a media empire if you’re a fascist. Make it illegal to become a politician if you’re a climate-change denier. Make the term ‘carbon footprint’ illegal because that was only invented by BP to gaslight us. There, that ought to do it.

Do you have a story to tell or opinions to share about this? Get in touch and tell us more. 

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