Summer in Britain, the 10 or so days we get of it, is actually really good. Here’s one thing you can do: keep a four-pack of Twisters hidden in the freezer, wait until you’re alone at home, take one out and hold it to your forehead briefly, then eat it in silence on the sofa. Or: throw a water balloon out of a second-floor window while cackling and hiding. Ride a bike through the city while playing bad music very loudly off your phone. Or: drive a car around the city while playing bad music very loudly with the windows down.
Sadly all of this has been hijacked by one of the greyest general elections of our lifetime, but now Nigel Farage has been packed back into the special wooden box of hay he sleeps in when there’s not a hustings in Clacton to ruin, summer can properly start. Here are some things to do with it.
1. Go to a friends’ house for dinner without anyone ruining the conversation by trying to like Keir Starmer
An alarming number of my conversations this June were ruined by someone – slowly and unsurely and while making many, many handwringing caveats along the way – trying to justify that, well, you know, obviously he’s not the best Labour leader we’ve ever had, or a particularly charismatic or likeable one, or one with any policies, but ah. Well, you know. This is no longer necessary, so I am open to invitations to chic casual candlelit dinners in people’s gardens again. I’ll bring a dense bean salad and a good bottle of chilled red and nobody is allowed to say “Angela Rayner” to me all night.
- Louise Pentland’s top 5 tips for surviving the summer holidays as a parent
- From 00s pop to cutting-edge electronica: Here’s the best UK music festivals in summer 2024
2. Urinate in the sea
It is important to commune with the sea during the British summer, at least once, at least a paddle, because otherwise you’ve not really done summer at all. Only while you’re out there… you’re going to. Obviously. You’ll never admit to anyone that you did, but you will. It’s just you, out there, alone, bobbing in this huge freezing soup. And you’ll do one. It’s fine, it’s fine. I won’t tell anyone. But you’ll do one.
3. Say, ‘Can you believe it’s still light out?’ As if you’ve never experienced British summer time before in your life
A good way to instantly ruin this marvel is to immediately follow up with, “Of course, with the solstice done, the days are already getting shorter.”
4. Go to a beach, lido, pool or park on the most beautiful sunny Saturday in existence and be surprised and annoyed to find other people there
I constantly secretly suspect I am the only person who’s noticed that it’s nice out today and it might be good to pack a little coolbox of sandwiches and go to the park only to discover that it’s full of other people, and all of them have a Bluetooth speaker and an annoying laugh and are always throwing a frisbee way too far and stomping through other people’s picnics to retrieve it. If you’re not in the exact mood for that, I can tell you from experience it’s better to stay at home with the curtains closed and watch The Godfather.
