Five ways to support autistic people on Autistic Pride Day

Every year on 18 June, Autistic Pride Day comes around and, for lots of people, it’s just another hashtag or another day of passive ‘awareness’. But for me, the day feels deeply personal.

It represents the freedom to exist as I am and the daily fight for my two neurodivergent children – my gentle, quiet 14-year-old daughter and my active, determined six-year-old son. I want them to grow up in a world where they aren’t just tolerated (and suffering the consequences of marginalisation) but loved and celebrated for exactly who they are.

Right now, that world feels some way off. In the UK, there are roughly 700,000 autistic people and, including families, autism impacts around 2.8 million people. Yet, many of us face stigma, victimisation and bullying. The consequences of this can be trauma, poor mental health and high rates of suicidality.

To change this, let’s think about what real allyship looks like. In The Art of Loving, the philosopher Erich Fromm argued that love isn’t just a passive feeling we stumble into. It’s an active practice that takes effort, responsibility, respect and deep understanding.

Allyship is exactly that – an active art of loving. I am not talking about feeling sorry for autistic people or wearing a blue (or any other colour) ribbon. I am talking about making a conscious commitment to embrace autistic people in ways they need, especially when they are distressed.

Here are five ways to practice the active art of allyship for the autistic people in your life.

1. Meet us halfway

If an autistic person and a non-autistic person struggle to communicate, the blame is often placed with the autistic person. Researchers call this the ‘Double Empathy Problem’.This simply means that communication is a two-way street, recognising that autistic people struggle to read neurotypical cues and vice versa.

When we misinterpret how an autistic person shows they are joyous or overwhelmed or sad, we might end up isolating them. My six-year-old son, for instance, can struggle to get the right support at school because of this. When he is distressed, he relies on active, physical coping mechanisms. Because his pain is loud and visible, his survival responses can be mislabelled as ‘disruptive behaviour’, leading to further social exclusion.

An ally might look past the outward reaction, see the underlying feeling, and help support the situation with compassion rather than judgment. This can mean not ignoring autistic expressions of joy or punishing distressed behaviour.

2. Don’t ignore the ‘quiet ones’

Being autistic is a fundamental part of our identity, not a disease. Having a positive sense of our autistic identity can act to support our mental health. But it is hard to build that self-esteem when your internal pain is not recognised.

If we only offer support to those with observable distress, we may inadvertently abandon those suffering quietly. My 14-year-old daughter is a gentle introvert. When she is distressed, she internalises everything. She swallowed her anxiety for years, which led to quiet crying, panic attacks and struggling to attend school. Because she wasn’t ‘causing a scene’ her pain was often unnoticed, while her little brother was penalised for being too loud.

Allies might recognise that a quiet retreat and active crying are both valid, painful responses to a what can be an overwhelming world.

3. Stop trying to ‘fix’ us

Unfortunately, within some support systems many autistic people have felt like clinical puzzles to be solved. For example, I underwent behavioural plans aimed at making me act ‘normal’. But when you treat an autistic person as a checklist of symptoms to be corrected, you objectify them. A clinical focus on ‘fixing’ behaviour can drive anxiety, shame and fear.

To reduce our distress, allies could practice what my co-researchers and I call ‘experience-sensitive’ care. This means focusing on what a person is experiencing internally, rather than how their behaviour looks to you on the outside.

In my book Unbroken, I wrote about how my life only began to turn around when I found professionals who stopped trying to stop my physical movements, sensory sensations etc and started asking what I needed to feel safe. At home, I protect my son’s active coping style and my daughter’s need to withdraw. Let’s stop trying to make autistic kids look ‘normal’ and start focusing on helping them feel safe.

Read more:

• Why Wes Streeting is wrong about autism and ADHD ‘over-diagnosis’
• Inside the chocolate factory spreading sweet treats – and helping autistic people find work

4. Help us find our people

Isolation is one of the most dangerous things autistic people face as it can increase risk of serious mental health challenges, including suicidality. But as the research shows, neurodivergent people naturally ‘get’ each other. Connecting with our own community is a massive lifeline.

Having a place where my son can run and play in ways he naturally chooses without being judged would be a dream come true. For me, I’d love to have a space where I don’t have to translate my existence or apologise for my kids’ distress.

A programme that helps to foster this sense of community and understanding is Autism Central, an NHS-funded service that provides peer support to the families and support networks of autistic people of all ages. Delivered by Anna Freud, a mental health charity for children and young people, and completely coproduced with autistic people (including me) and clinical experts, it aims to build knowledge and understanding of autism.

As an ally, you might access services like Autism Central to learn more about creating safe, inclusive communities for the autistic people in your life.

5. Change the room, not the person

Autistic sensory systems can feel dialled up. What might be a background hum to neurotypical people can feel like a physical assault to us, triggering our survival instincts of fight, flight, freeze or fawn.

A sensory-friendly environment can determine whether we’re able to show up instead of going into a shutdown. Allies can help us avoid crisis by proactively designing spaces to be safe.

For example, if you are organising a meeting, a birthday party or a classroom, think about the environment. Is the lighting too harsh? Is there a quiet room to escape to? Small steps can protect both the loud responder from sensory overload and the quiet responder from silent exhaustion. This is the ultimate form of active love: adjusting the environment to fit the person!

This Autistic Pride Day, I ask that you to look past the stereotypes. See the gentle introverts who may be quietly drowning and see the active children who are trying to cope.

Allyship is a journey of continuous learning. It’s about moving away from ‘fixing’ our behaviours toward opportunities that can enable us to flourish. In making the world more accommodating, you aren’t just helping my children but building a world that is kinder, safer and more loving for everyone.

You can find out more about Autism Central at: www.autismcentral.nhs.uk. The service is delivered by Anna Freud, a mental health charity for children, young people and families, and funded by NHS England.

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